Sunday, 24 May 2009

through a scanner faintly

This week I have got no crafting done what so ever, I barely cracked a book open. The hamster wheel is spinning but the hamster has left the building. I have instead of crafting done a small amount of writing, and when not watching episodes of Veronica Mars, I have been thinking a lot about who I am, and what people think of me.

Friday night I went to dinner at a friends house, four skinny birds and me the fat hen, if you like your poultry analogies. I’m well aware of the fact and though I find it depressing that I’m the fat one I also find it more so that I feel as if I’m a lost cause, I’m the only friend that doesn’t work, two of the group are teachers, one works in an office and Heather runs the comic shop. Me I don’t do anything much or anything that is particularly worthwhile, I start things but never finish them, I’m over qualified or vastly under qualified for nearly everything.

I’m a stay at home mother, but I am far from a domestic diva or Suzie Homemaker, aside from a flare for cooking. M says I should get a job or volunteer more for H’s school, but to be honest M is much more outgoing and happy go lucky than I am, he can easily talk to anyone where I really struggle at times to talk with people that I haven’t anything remotely in common with, aside from being parents. I loath having to pick H up from school, standing there at the class room door waiting for the kids to be left free, I talk to Heather and maybe two other mothers the rest ignore me and keep to their own cliques. I hated that when I was in school and I hate it still, I’m not an “in with the in crowd” sort.

That rules out any more volunteering for school, I will bake cakes and I will help out at craft nights, as long as I don’t have to do the sticking and gluing table because there is nothing that annoys me more than gobs of glue dribbled everywhere. M got very cross with me for my refusing to help the school out on a walk up to the church in town, its not my bag, I don’t believe in church I believe in belief, anything more organized just leads to trouble. I am American and schools in the States have nothing to do with religion aside from the small mention in the Pledge of Allegiance.

Work…I don’t know what I would do I’m not qualified for much, I only did a few years of university/college before burning out and coming to England to be with M, instead of having M move to California. I have worked retail so that bit isn’t a problem, I have done cash office and been a manager for Target in California, I worked for a few years at IKEA at Giltbrook until I fell pregnant at the same time they refused me working in the actual cash office. They were for reasons known only to IKEA getting rid of all the managers that actually gave a damn about the cashiers and changing the job title so that they could give a pat on the back to the people they liked, not the ones that could actually do the job. Bitter? Moi?


Craft…I have always been artistic, and for the past two years I have been getting back the artsy side of me that I misplaced when I moved to England. I have taught myself to knit (badly), beading, stamping, card making, vintage book staining and painting, and lately I have been learning to sew with my dinky little sewing machine. Crafting has lead me to blogging and meeting with some very talented and brilliant crafters, and to the knowledge that I’m a scanner.

Scanner…I never heard the term until last summer when I did the Fairy Tale Swap and partnered with Selena (Apron thrift Girl) who is a fantastic writer blogger and crafter who also happens to have a scanner personality. A scanner is someone who isn’t one thing, we aren’t this or that, we can become intently focused on one thing until it is mastered then may never do that again, having switched on to doing something entirely different. A Jack or rather Jane of all trades, that’s me(one of my lovely skinny blonde even told me so), I’m an expert in nothing, yet I will turn my hand to anything that I’m intensely fascinated by or in love with. Then a few months, weeks or days down the line I will drop it and move onto the next thing whatever that might be.

I have always admired those people who know what they want and have the drive to be the best at one thing, I have no special one thing that I am, I’m not a photographer, a writer, a doctor, a mechanic or anything special in particular I lack that drive to be that one thing and be the best at it. I wear a lot of hats but they never seem to stay perched atop my head for very long. And I never know what the next thing is going to be, aside from getting my arse in the kitchen and finding something to make for tea.

For more information about scanners have a look at the link below.

http://www.getmotivation.com/articlelib/articles/barbara_sher_scanner.html

22 comments:

trashalou said...

OMG! I am a scanner :-) Loving that there is a word for me.

Sounds like you are having a crubbish bump at the moments. hope your spirits lift soon.

Katy said...

I think I'm a scanner too...

and I know what you are - you're witty, generous, loving, warm, wonderful, a fantastic baker, thoughtful, considerate, and my friend. x



oh, I forgot the hair - you have amazing hair, it's all beautiful and thick and lush and I really do have to control myself not to stroke you like a cat!

Kitschy Coo said...

Hmmmm, think I'm a bit of a scanner too!

I totally sympathise with the rest of your post, I'm also uncomfortable with situations where you're supposed to be outgoing, I'm ostracised by 'cool' mums, and despite leaving my last proper job several years ago I still foam at the mouth talking about their management decisions.

It's funny, I thought that I was the only one like this and it used to make me very sad. Then I started reading blogs and writing one myself, and I've been overwhelmed that there are so many people fighting the same battles I am. I guess my point is you can be exactly who you are and want to be here is crafty cyber world, and we all love you for it :)

JuliaB said...

Hello. I've been lurking here for a while. Your post today is wonderful. Actually, the linked article bought tears to my eyes!! I have often wondered why bloggers - crafty bloggers - seem to have so much in common other than the fact that we like to make stuff. Interesting. I am definately a scanner. I'm trying to get a grip of my 'scanning habit' as like you, I admire people with more focus. Thank you for this post. It's just what I needed today of all days. x

x vInTaGe VioLeT x said...

that article was a real revelation to me - that really describes me to a tee. I have never had "drive" i have a huge fear of committment and have spent my life drifting along.
i would however call myself a "happy plodder" 'cause i couldn't give a flying eff what other people think of my lack of drive and committment.
i just want you to know that even though i have never seen or spoken to you in "real life" i really do love you {god that sounds freaky and stalkerish i'm honestly fairly normal} and if you were a Mum at my kids school the other Mum's would feel left out while we cackled and gossiped. xxx

Vonnie said...

Oh Apryl, this post could totally describe me! I've always been pushed by other people to be something - anything - but I just want to be me. I'm never happier than when I'm pottering around just being Bob's wife or the kids' Mum or when I have my crafty bloggy head on. I'm also on the more generously proportioned side (more for cuddles!) with loads of skinny, attractive, high-fallutin' friends.

Don't let it get you down Apryl. You have an amazing talent with your crafting and I'm massively jealous of the things you produce. *huge hugs*

juanitatortilla said...

My goodness, do I relate to you on ALL these levels (except being a mom part).

Give yourself more credit, don't feel bad about being the odd one out. My g*d do I know the feeling about being an odd one. The story of my life.

Chin up! You're an excellent cook and baker. There are some of us who still can't bake and cook well, ahem, me. :(

Jacqueline said...

Learn a new word from you. :D I have never heard of this word Scanner. It's interesting...:) Have a lovely merry happy week and thank you for sharing with us! Love to you and yours!

TCN said...

Massive hugs to you. I think I have shades of being a scanner too. I have tried so many things, but the only thing I've dedicated my life and time to is being a parent, and I even get that wrong sometimes too. More hugs and thoughts to you xx

Flame said...

I think I am a scanner but without the oomph to actually DO any of the things I am suddenly enthused about. Does that make sense?

Frizbe said...

Hugs, I'm gona drag you for yet another coffee and talk to you in person (which I think I've been doing all weekend in pockets about how you're feeling!)

Talia said...

I think I'm a scanner too...there seem to be a fair few of us about!

I also have no clue with what I really want to do. I sometimes think I want to go back uni, I sometimes think I want nothing more than to be a recluse who lives under a duvet! On the whole though, I try to be me, and I wholly advocate everyone does the same! And I know how hard it is.

I don't think I've been very helpful here, so I'm going to shut up now!

Dragonfly said...

Hello! Me too! Fancy that! I never knew a thing about it...I just thought I was a bit of a drifter!

Oh, and I loathed the school gate bit too...not so at secondary school now, hooray!

Gina said...

Hi I've arrived here from Marmalade Kiss and just wanted to say what an interesting post. I'd never heard of "Scanners" before but I'm there... it describes me to a tee! Sounds like you're having a bit of a tough time at the moment. Keep smiling!

ethel and edna's tearoom said...

*hands up*
My name is Lindsey and I'm a scanner.
OMG! Apryl I think I'm one as well. All this time when I've felt I should decide on one craft and stick to it, but is it textiles or ceramics; resin or metal; do I try PMC or glass fusing?? All the courses I've been on over the years learning yet another new skill. All the swapping from blogs to forums to Facebook. All my life feeling that slight niggling envy 'cause my sister always knew what she wanted to do and achieved it while I dabbled and faffed and never quite decided.
Now it has a name!
Maybe we should all get together (virtually or otherwise) and form a (self-help) group...
...but then we'd only find something else to sign up for in a few weeks. :O)
Don't get down honey (though I know how you feel). Your mojo will return. Your 'get-up-and-go' hasn't gone forever. You just need to wait a little while and the Next Big Thing will hit you and pull you kicking and screaming into its clutches. 'Til then don't fret. Take a little time out, drink coffee and wait.
xx
lmao at Katy's comment (and totally agree on the hair thing).

Apryl said...

thank you everyone.. I will try to write you all emails.. but if you know me you know my emailing is less than reliable, but thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me....

Katy and Lindsey you are nuts, my hair is a mess! :P

Lesley said...

There's so much sadness in your words but you've just brought so many people together and given them comfort. Very brave to post so openly and I know exactly how you feel and I'm glad we're not alone. This is the first time I've come across your blog but I'm really glad I did. All the best :-)

Jackie said...

I think I have been a scanner but I'm not one now. I understand about the poultry analogy..I am also the a
fat hen. Difficult.

Jane said...

Hi I've just come to this post from Marmalade Kiss and it's hit a nerve. I think I too am a scanner, but I feel much better that I am not the only one. Thank you for your honesty.

muralimanohar said...

Well. You just described me. A scanner, huh? I guess it's a better term than Master of None? :p

Lynne said...

Hi,
It's the first time I've visited you, and I must agree, what an interesting post. You've obviously hit a nerve with a lot of people. I often think of myself as not being a master of anything, capable of lots of things, but master of none. But maybe it's the enjoyment in what we do that is the important thing. And as for standing at the school gates, or nights out with people from the office, (don't do that anymore), then I was the one standing a bit apart from the others, sometimes wishing I was part of the 'group' but mostly happy not to be.
Right I'm off to check how much of a scanner I am, as I know I must be from what you've said.

Kay B said...

I just found out today, through another website, that I too am a scanner. I get bored easily with one thing and always have to have 2 computers on at the same time, multitasking like crazy, can't sit still very long, always wanting to learn new things. Problem is, I become overwhelmed, then just sit and watch TV and avoid everything because my brain is overloaded and I don't know where to start. I've been keeping a little notebook and jotting ideas down on what I'd want to make and sell on Etsy, too.

We scanners are often A.D.D, creative, sensitive, and drive our family crazy with our impatience, quirkiness, eccentric behavior, never feeling satisfied with anything we do, never finishing anything. It's nice to know there are others out there who are much like me.