Monday, 20 August 2007

Black Monday

Although I have been doing a bit more creatively speaking, mostly sketching and knitting a bit, I have been feeling a bit defeated lately. By life mostly, and perhaps a bit of what I feel is jealousy towards thouse who have everything set in life. Not that I'm unhappy with where I am at, I love my husband my son, I love pottering about the house but sometimes I feel as if I missed something somewhere and I'm not sure exactly what that piece is or where I lost it. Maybe i'm jsut feeling sorry for myself or at a loss for not being able to find that one thing in life that I want to be or do and holding on tight to it. M is a photographer and he is very good, owns the studio have camera will travel or something like that.

And I think I'm a bit jealous of that, he always wanted to be a photgrapher, he is good at it and he has made our life out of it. But I have never felt that I have had that one desire and goal. I like writing, but I'm not great at it. I like painting and art but again i'm not great at that either.

A frustrated non-artist? maybe I just wish i could funnel everything that I am into one thing and be great at that. But I guess thats what everyone wants to be remebered to be famous.. I want to write a book but not for the fame of it, I don't want to write the next Harry Fucking Potter, but I want to be able to write it and get something out of the cluttered cobwebby mess that is my brain.

I keep looking at the etsy craft sites, and wishing it could be my stuff up there, exactly what I don't know.. perhaps just another pipedream like the while cupcake thing... I thought by the time I was 30 I would have figured myself out enough to know what i want for a career, now that I am 30 all I really know is that I don't know who I am and what I can do. But hey at least I can make a fab cheesecake even if I have no true belief in myself or my abilities.

on a lighter note we are off to Wales tommrow to visit friends who are caming and happily LARPing, we will not be camping though, M dosen't do camping so we will have a nice little hotel room (best western) for the night, then M will be happy and H will be happy as he is utterly obsessed with staying in hotels. There are a few newposts on my drabble site . but as I have been busy doodling i have had much time for writing. But I feel better having witteren on about various things here.

I'm off to pick tomatoes and courgettes (zuchini) and maybe a bit more sketching!

1 comment:

Frizbe said...

and we were oh so happily larping ;-) now adjusting to life back home, yawn, nice to be back in a real bed though.