Wednesday, 2 November 2011

break: here be whining

hey everybody sorry I haven't blogged in forever but I took a break from blogging and the internets. Shocking I know but I needed some time to myself to sit and read, listen to random music on my ipod, read a bit more, sulk a bit and feel a bit homesick for the states. Autumn is my favourite time of year.... but not here. I have lived in England for 11 years and still sometimes I feel like an utter fraud. I can casually talk about the weather for about 30 seconds before my mind wanders off and I desperately wish to shoot myself in the head with an overly dramatic finger gun. I am utterly abysmal at small talk anyway so usually attempt to avoid it at all costs when on the school run. Thankfully I'm quiet and shy and only a few friendly parents talk to me anyway.

I have always been reserved and have a tendency to withdraw into myself for a bit, fall into an out of the puddles, lakes and oceans of depression. I'm ok just a bit down, I miss my parents. I miss the dogs. I miss the states at this time of year. I miss Idaho and California. I miss the autumn festivities of being in the states surrounded by autumn leaves, pumpkin spice lattes (I don't drink them I just like the idea of them), pumpkins, pie and just all things Americana.

This is my time of year, I really don't give a damn for winter and Christmas, Matt says that's because I'm a Grinch. I just say it's because I hate 98% of Christmas music. I adore Halloween, I always have, and Day of the Dead is pretty damn awesome too. I hate that the schools here don't do anything fun and Halloween related. Halloween is pretty much a bust anyway, maybe in another 5 or 10 years they will get it right. Maybe not.

I have so many things ticking over in my brain and I have taken the last few weeks to just curl up read books, magazines, fan fiction, and even plot out a few broken fairy tales of my own here and there. I am fine. See I said it so it must be true, it's just sometimes hard to remotely attempt to be vaguely perfect. Not that I am anywhere near perfect, if I was I wouldn't be this fat, this grumpy or this hard on myself for every little thing I think is something I am or have done wrong.

I have never been a bubbly blonde, my roots are very very dark but the last few weeks of having a break and having a week away down in Dorset have settled my mind a bit. I do love England and Dorset is beautiful though I did find myself feeling just a little heartbroken on the beach missing the Pacific ocean just north of Bodega Bay in California. I did find some pretty pebbles to bring home with me so that's all good right?

I find it strange that I have barely been on the internets for weeks on end and not done any blogging and here I am having a cathartic whine about nothing and everything.

I really think I need coffee.

And to work on some blog posts of a crafty nature.

I shall go bumble into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and see about working on something creative this afternoon while H is at his grandma's house.

Also I may need cake. Good thing there is some leftover from H's 8th birthday party. Yup my little boy is the grand old age of eight. He is still brilliant and sweet and an utterly charming, wild, loud, imaginative and excitable kid.

I'm ok and I'm happy but sometimes, sometimes I need to curl up and hide inside my head. I'm going to go put my ipod on and shuffle the laundry along and think a bit more.

Your regularly scheduled blogging shall hopefully resume soon.


Hannah said...

The only thing I'm going to say is *hugs*

jillytacy said...

I totally understand what you are saying. I'm hard on myself and struggle with perfectionism too, so I can relate. I can say that I think you are definitely being way to hard on yourself and I think you are brilliantly talented!! I hope that time to yourself has been good and gets you feeling back to your creative and talented self again.
I'm sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.

Jessica at Kids Napping? I'm Scrapping! said...

*sigh.* Shall we imagine that we are walking together, several leaves crunching beneath our feet, feeling the hot latte cups in our hands while we sip our pumpkin lattes (well, I'll be sipping that, you might be sipping an espresso), inhaling the cool air, chatting about the craft projects waiting for us at home?
I hope it is a cheery thought to lift your spirits. Next time you come to California, we should meet up somewhere. I, too, am VERY shy and could use another friend.

Scrapiana said...

Hang on in there, Apryl! No bad thing to take a breather from the blog etc. I've been doing something similar. The beauty about blogs is that are just what they are, and that's fine; don't be duped by what the so-called social media gurus say 'cos there are no rules! You can leave them for a while, and I guarantee that the people who matter (your partners-in-crafting and friends) will just be really pleased to see you when you pick up again. In fact, I can think of a number of blogs I wish would post LESS frequently! Have some more coffee, some cake and hit that charity shop! I'll be with you in spirit. :)

Bonnie said...

Hi...I stumbled on your blog from following Kids Napping? I'm Scrapping...I LOVE your honesty and find it helpful to know that I'm not the only one to think everything is my fault...even though people tell me and I know in my head that this is not true, I can't convince my heart...I love your genuine candidness and look forward to keeping up with your life, the joys and the hard times...

Bonnie said...

Oh and by the way, I love your unique...

Shari said...

I so totally get this.

things we make said...

Oh m'honey. Only just spotted this. Been so busy with worky nonsense I get behind with the blogs and the tweets and such.

Sorry you have been having a maudlin time. It's difficult to know what to say for homesickness because I know it's sometimes a circle that can't be squared. I just smiled a pin I saw that said "Don't think so much" Keep yourself distracted with good things and look forward to your next visit back to the US.

x vInTaGe VioLeT x said...

aww Meri - i didn't see this before - i've not been reading blogs or tweeting much, i've still been wasting my life on the pooter just more silently - i hope you continue to feel better and get back into blogging - lots of love vV x